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I am still having nightmares about our escape. The
snakes have gone, but now it s flames chasing me down
the road. I haven t said anything to Joel yet, but when
we finally go back to Bellingen, I m not sure I can live
indefinitely in a tent or a caravan or, more importantly,
without a water tank.
263
When I was a teenager, like everyone at my school,
I went through a horse-mad stage. I used to ride across
the South Downs with a friend called Lucy. One day my
horse bolted and I came off and broke my arm. I was told
to get straight back on again as soon as my arm healed. It
didn t work though. I stopped riding, and don t want to
get on another horse as long as I live.
I feel differently about the threat of another bushfire
though. The other night John told me that if we d had a
proper house instead of the two caravans, we could have
stayed on and saved what we had.
Even if we have to build everything ourselves, I need
to live somewhere I can stay and defend. Time and again
this week, I ve heard about people who stayed on their
land and fought back the fire. If I m ever going to return
to Joel s property, I have to know that next time we can
beat nature before it beats us. I talk to Joel about it as the
rain pours down across the beach and lightning flashes
on the horizon.
I don t know how we re going to do it, but I
need to live in a house if we re going to stay there
permanently, I say.
Joel puts his arm around me. The fires won t come
again for years. There s nothing left to burn. A house is
going to take time, Alice. I ve got some money left, but
it s not enough.
That s it. I make my mind up. I m going to get
the money.
How?
I don t know. I m just going to make it. We ve got to
have a house, Joel.
264
Meanwhile, I mourn the loss of my tartan wellies and
umbrella. Perhaps some kind person will have donated
something I can replace them with.
The rain pours down, but I look along the beach in
both directions and count my blessings. Nobody in their
right mind would be here on such a wet and windy day,
but it is still incredible to see miles of white sand, all
unoccupied.
It s so beautiful here, I say.
We agree that Australia really is an upside-down
country. We have seen dolphins cresting the surf on this
beach, in water so warm you can dive straight into it. Joel
has also seen sharks though, swimming so close to the shore
that he could see them snapping at anything that moved.
He once saw a shark bite into driftwood here too, and
was out of the water in ten seconds flat. Just when you
think Australia is some kind of postcard paradise, it bites
you in the bum as The Wizard Formerly Known As
Wayne would say. But still, I haven t changed my mind
about it, even since the fire. I want to belong here. I want
my name on a citizenship certificate, beneath the emu and
the kangaroo, so I can frame it and hang it on the wall of
the house we re going to build.
Will you come with me to my citizenship ceremony?
I ask Joel.
It would be an honour and a privilege, he says, kissing
me. Then: This rain s not going to stop. He takes my
hand. Do you want to make a run for it?
We race back to John s house, ahead of the thunder,
and find a message on his answering machine telling us
he s gone fishing. We settle down on the sofa together
265
and play an old Led Zeppelin album John still believes
in vinyl and record players. Led Zeppelin were banned
from my life when I was with Nash. They were too low
down in his musical class system. It feels good to have
them back.
Joel produces a box from one of his bags. Tibetan incense.
It s good for Lhoong. I think we should burn some.
I can t believe you saved that from the fire! What s
Lhoong?
A disequilibrium of mental and emotional events, Joel
reads from the label. It s also said to be good for tinnitus,
swelling in the abdominal region and a dry tongue.
John s beer is pretty good for that too.
We sit and stare at the incense for a while, without
talking. The music makes me think of Nash again. There
was a moment in the caravan when I looked at some photos
of Nash and really had to think about whether I should
save them, I tell Joel.
Hmmm. You know you ll have to tell him about us
some time.
Joel, do you mind me mentioning Nash?
Not at all.
Damn. I pout, pretending to be annoyed.
He squeezes my hand and smiles. You know, I wasn t
going to tell you this, but when we were driving through
the fire, I realised I was happy to die with you.
Me too.
John won t be back for hours, Joel says. He leads me
to the studio, and throws his clothes on the chair.
Your skin. I touch his shoulders. It s still so red.
Not all of it. He smiles, and pulls my shirt off.
266
I have fantasised about sex with Joel so often, it s a
shock to realise how completely unlike my daydreams
it actually is. In my imagination, it s always urgent and
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